Marriage and Chronic Health: Part Two

Yesterday I talked about the importance of giving your partner room to grieve.  Before elaborating on the rest of the list at the bottom of that article, I want to add the nuances of communication that may be necessary when one partner has a chronic health or chronic pain issue.

Chronic pain and chronic illness vary widely from day to day and even from moment to moment.  This can make it very confusing for your partner to know what level of intimacy and functioning can be reached that day.  I've talked before about the importance of identifying and communicating your needs as well as listening to your partner's needs.  Here are a few key phrases that have helped us in our marriage.  You can create your own or use these; the important thing is that you both verbalize what those phrases mean to you.

-"I'm not okay."  For me, this means, my symptoms are so bad that I either need medications or the emergency room and am not able to do that myself.  It is our Urgent Need communication, meaning the need is so urgent that it could become an emergency quickly or already is an emergency.

-"Would you be willing to...".  As it relates to health, for us this means I am not well and would like help, but it is not urgent.

- Rating your symptoms.  "On a scale of 1 to 10, I am at a ...".  This helps your partner know where you are on Maslow's hierarchy.  If your symptoms are 1-4 in severity, you likely are able to focus on intimacy needs.  If they are 5-7, you might be able to focus on safety and functional needs, such as paying bills, doing the dishes, grocery shopping.  At 8-10, I am usually in bed and might be able to read together or watch a movie together.

-Rating how strongly you feel about something. This is one that can be used whether you are healthy or unhealthy.  If one partner is more expressive than the other, it can be easy to misread how strongly the other feels about something.  By simply stating, "On a scale of 1 to 10, I am at a ... ", helps your partner know how to gauge the importance of the topic.

What are some key phrases you have found that help communication in your relationship so that your partner does not have to guess at the level of intimacy or functioning that can be reached that day?

Tomorrow, we will follow up on the rest of the list:
- Try your best to move beyond survival mode/plan fun.
-  Don't give up your sex life.
-  Write out new goals for the future.

-  Cut corners with functional tasks so there is more time for relationships.
-  Pray or meditate together.
-  Choose minimalism as a way of life/don't try to keep up with the Jones.
-  Express gratitude to each other.