Healthy Grieving: Part One

Yesterday, I talked about finding that balance between radically accepting your "new normal" and focusing on what you CAN do to create a life that has meaning to you.  In order to find that balance, it is necessary to understand the grieving process so we don't get stuck in it.

The most difficult part of processing through the grieving process when it comes to chronic health issues is that it isn't a one time process.  We can grieve, find our new normal, but then our symptoms may suddenly get worse, and we have to grieve again.  For most people with chronic health issues, the symptoms are rarely the same from day to day.  That is why it is so important to understand this process. The five stages of grieving include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Stage one: Denial:

I would love to say that not getting stuck means "feel your feelings".  However, the first stage in grief is denial.  It is an important stage, and we cannot ignore it. It is the stage where we say, "This is not happening.  The doctor must be wrong. I should get a fourth opinion. I should re-do that test or take a different test".  It is also a stage of shock.  We may walk around feeling like we are in a fog (I'm not talking about the normal brain fog that comes with autoimmune disease but the actual "I can't think straight because I'm in shock" stage.)  It is also a stage where we may continue on with our lives pretending to ourselves that everything is okay and not recognizing and validating the legitimate new needs our bodies have.  This, of course, usually makes our physical symptoms worse.  False guilt can really wreak havoc here.  Believing that we should still be able to do what everyone else is doing or thinking we are a bad spouse, parent, friend if we don't do those things only makes physical symptoms worse.  It is so important to identify that self guilt so we do not become bitter with ourselves or let our self worth be tied to something we cannot control. Shame never helps chronic illness.


So, what helps with denial? 

• Information.  Ask your doctors lots of questions, questions about prognosis and questions about what life style adjustments should be made.  
• Bring a pad of paper and a pen or take notes on your phone when you have your doctor appointments because denial makes it very easy to forget pertinent medical information.  
• Meet others either face to face or online who have suffered the same diagnosis for years.  Another thing that helps is space.  
• Create more time margin in  your day so that when you are numb and spaced out and cannot concentrate, it does not matter that you misplaced your keys or do not remember why you walked into the kitchen.  
• Write important information and task lists while you are in this stage to also help lessen the effects of poor concentration that comes with denial.  
• Practice  mindfulness.  Train your mind to only think about one thing.  Maybe it is counting  your breaths or stopping to notice what you see, hear, or touch around you.  This will not pull you out of denial, but it will help ease the poor concentration that is an effect of denial.

Stage 2: Anger: You may experience anger that your life has changed, anger perhaps at yourself for not being able to do the things you want to do or anger at yourself for not somehow preventing the illness, anger at the stress that may have led up to the diagnosis, anger at family for not understanding, anger at your body for not letting you do what you want to do or not letting you have the life  you had dreamed about having, anger at God, etc. 

• Again, the most powerful tool here is mindfulness.  Let yourself feel the anger.  Anger is not a four letter word.  Change requires letting yourself feel the feelings associated with change. 
• Another highly important tool here: re-frame how you talk to yourself about  your body.  No matter what your body cannot do, your body is not the problem.  The disease is the problem. Your body is still very good, and being angry at it will only worsen your health. Be angry, but direct it at what you are truly angry about losing.  You may lose finances, leisure activities, support from those you thought were friends, a job, you may even lose your personality because it is very difficult to face chronic fatigue and still have social energy.  
• Finally, depending on what your body can do, let yourself be productive with that anger.  Journal, draw, talk with a therapist, talk with a friend about your anger, go for a walk.

Are you in one of these two stages right now?  Can you remember them from when you were first diagnosed?  What are you doing to gain awareness?  What are some productive ways you can soften the effects of these stages and direct them in healthy ways?