Marriage and Chronic Health Issues: Part Three

We've talked about the importance of giving your partner space to grieve and the importance of specific communication.  Here are a few more important factors for making marriage successful and fulfilling when one of you has chronic symptoms:

1.  Plan fun. Yes, I know that the word "plan" seems antithetical to someone who has unpredictable symptoms.  However, if you never plan fun and only stay in survival mode, you will not be happy and certainly not as happy as you can be.  It is far better to have to cancel or reschedule plans than to not make them at all. Be willing to give up some of your physical strength for fun with your partner.  Your partner, of all people, will understand when you have to reschedule.

• Plan fifteen to thirty minutes a day talking with your partner about non task oriented things.
• Plan one fun marriage event a week. It could be dinner at a restaurant, going to a movie, walking around a beautiful lake as one pushes the other in a wheelchair, playing cards together, etc.  However, if you do not put this in your calendar, it is unlikely that it will happen, partly because when you live with chronic illness, you are always behind on chores, and partly because when you live with chronic illness, the family is always in survival mode.  Do not let that stop you.  Plan, plan, plan to spend quality recreational time with you partner! Be flexible, but put it in your calendar, literally in your digital or paper calendar. You would have done this when you were dating; make it a priority now as well.
• Take pictures of special times together.  Brain fog is a common symptom of chronic health issues.  Also, research says that if you do not stop and focus on a happy event for at least 15 seconds, it will not go into long term memory.  Unfortunately, negative events do not take that long to move into long term memory.  Taking pictures will not only force you to slow down long enough to put it in long term  memory, it will also help you look back and remember how special that time was.
• Get away once a year.  It may be a hotel for a weekend or sending the kids to their grandparents, but make sure you get a weekend a year with just the two of you.
• Make a list of leisure activities that you can sometimes do so that you have it to fall back on when you cannot think of one.
• Even if it does not sound fun at the time, do a leisure activity anyways.

2.  Don't give up your sex life.  This is not the place for detailed mechanical information, but if intercourse is not an option, find other ways to meet each other's needs.  There are lots of books available on this topic.  Physical intimacy is important in a relationship. Find the time of day that you have the most energy.  Make sure that the day before and day after you can rest. Create more time than you think you need. Be affectionate throughout every day.  You may have to be creative because affection can actually be painful if you have chronic pain.  Explore non sexual modes of affection that do not cause you pain. You would at times take a pain med to be able to do your job or tasks that have to get done.  Be willing to take one, if necessary, for the days you plan on having physical intimacy.

3.  Once or twice a year, sit down together and write out new goals for the future. It is ridiculously easy to quit dreaming when you have chronic symptoms.  Dreaming about good things in the future and setting future goals are important for maximizing joy, unity, and intimacy in a relationship.  I know it seems like there is no point, but there are still dreams you can do together.  Make this a priority. Get creative.  Maybe the dream is to start one date morning a week, yes, I said morning.  Maybe the goal is to visit a nearby beach, or maybe it is bigger.  Maybe the dream is to save for a special vacation.  Start prioritizing a dream list. If you are religious, put these items on your prayer list or meditation list. Pray about them together.

4.  Cut corners for functional tasks so there is more time for relationships.  Do not feel guilty using paper plates and cups or plastic utensils.  If doing this two nights a week allows you to have an extra thirty minutes that week as a couple, then by all means, do that.  I know, sometimes it just means that there are not so many dirty dishes sitting around the kitchen.  It may not mean that you actually get more time together, but try to cut extra corners where you can.  Cook in a crock pot. Find easy recipes. Use cleaning materials that do not require scrubbing.  Barter room and board for help around the house. Barter other talents for help around the house.  Order groceries online. Have them delivered.  If you qualify, order meals to your door; sometimes insurance will pay for meals that are precooked.  Automate as many bills as you can.  Get your children involved in helping with as many chores as they can. Pay a teen to come do some chores.  Consider downsizing your space.  We recently stayed in a condo with eight people.  I was pleasantly shocked to realize I did not need more space than that to function quite comfortably!

5.  Pray or meditate together. I already mentioned praying about your goals and dreams.  Pray as well for your children, your concerns, your friends, your political concerns, etc.  We have found that nothing brings a couple closer than praying together.

6.  Choose minimalism as a way of life; do not try to "keep up with the Jones's". I have been shocked at how much peace I have when I give this up!  You can find brand new clothes at a thrift store, and shopping at a small thrift store causes me far less pain and vertigo than in a mall.  Having extra cash flow by not making purchases relieves the financial stress that medical expenses can cause, and imagine only having to organize ten outfits per person in the household! 

Downsizing your space makes for less clean-up time and less utility cost.  Consider a smaller home.  Living close to your or your partner's job significantly lowers transportation cost, sometimes by hundreds of dollars a month.  Grocery shop sales only.  Know what the rock bottom prices for food are in your area, and buy enough to last you until the next sale (usually six to eight weeks).  Go to the store with a list. 

Having margin in your finances makes for a much more peaceful relationship.  Did you know that money is the number one topic that causes fights in marriage!

7.  Express gratitude to each other every day! It is hard to not feel close to someone who appreciates you, and there is much to be appreciated in a family where there is a disability.  Thank your disabled partner for how hard they work to function.  Let them know you see that they are suffering.  Thank your healthy partner for how hard they work to compensate for your loss of functioning.  Likely, they are very tired.

8.  Verbalize together how your disability has brought you closer as a couple.  Not every couple has that gift.  We would all trade it if we could, but having a disability can bring you closer as a couple.

None of us have these all together. I know I lack in the "planning fun" category.  What do you find yourself needing to work on together.  What tips would you add to this list?