Dealing with Discrimination

If you have a disability, you will face discrimination at some point in time. Knowing your rights and being able to communicate them productively is important in these situations.

Work Issues

• Make sure you know and understand the Americans with Disabilities Act. 
• Some metropolitan areas have a non profit organization you can call to ask specific job related questions as it relates to the Americans with Disabilities Act.  Here is a website with a list of resources in Minnesota.  https://www.blr.com/HR-Employment/Discrimination/Disabilities-ADA-in-Minnesota.
• Here is the contact information for the Minnesota Council on Disability.  They are a great resource if you have specific questions.  https://www.disability.state.mn.us/contact-us/
• Use wisdom and boundaries.  You do not have to tell your employer that you have a disability unless you need and want accommodations. How much you share is up to you and your individual needs.

Social Issues

• Be committed to the people in your life who treat you with respect. It is easy to take them for granted when you are suffering.
• Remember to set boundaries.  You do not have to spend time with people who treat you disrespectfully. You also do not owe anyone an explanation.  If you are spending time with people who consistently do not get it, stop expecting them to change and start changing yourself by not revealing your emotional needs. Your value is not dependent on others "getting it", and if they choose to not have a close relationship with you, that is their loss. You can tell them you are not well enough to socialize right now, but you do not need to defend yourself or explain your needs.
• Communicate assertively.  "I need.......would you be willing to.......?"  It is okay for others to not help you, but if they treat you disrespectfully, it is time to set consequences.  The most logical consequence is simply spending less time with that person.  Some of my rules of thumb about my time and energy are:  -I will not spend much time with people who are not mutually supportive.  -If someone expects me to give time or energy in a way that can escalate my symptoms, I get to decide if the answer is yes.  I will not give if it means taking away from my children, if it means I get so sick that I have to take time off from work. or if it means I am likely to end up in the hospital. There are times you will choose to let your symptoms escalate because you love that person.  We choose at times to spend time with extended family, knowing that travel will escalate my symptoms.  That is okay, but own your choice.  Do not feel sorry for yourself, but have back up plans in place so that whatever your line is does not get crossed.  I make sure I have a quiet place to relax so that I do my best to avoid the ER. I make sure I have a day when I get home to relax and do nothing.

Family

• Most of what I wrote in the social section can apply to family.  However, with immediate family members (your partner and children), I think you can be even bolder.  About once a year my children will joke about me having selective hearing.  My response is, "That makes me feel disrespected and unwanted.  I need to belong.  Please do not joke about my disability."
• With your partner and children it is also easier to ask for help.  "I need help.  Would you be willing to.....?"  
• Acknowledge gratitude to your family when they do help or when they make sacrifices for your disability.  Disability does not just affect the person with chronic symptoms. It affects the entire family.  You do not need to feel guilty for that, but everyone needs to feel appreciated and acknowledged.  Let your family know that you appreciate them and that you see their sacrifices.
• Let family know what you want.  Do not leave them guessing.  For example, you may want to tell extended family, "I know we often have to say no, but we love that you keep inviting us despite my/my partner's disability.  Continuing to invite us helps us feel like we belong." Recently, my family went to Disneyland.  I told them that the one thing I wanted was a picture of everyone together and a few other pictures throughout the day and that that helped me enjoy the experience even though I could not go.

I am sure you have at times faced discrimination.  At such times, you unfortunately have to decide if you have the physical stamina and if the relationship is worth confrontation.  What else have you found effective in these scenarios?